Why Couch Potatoes Live Longer

Here’s some good news, at long last. A new study suggests that the fewer calories you burn, the less likely you are to become extinct.

The study was done by Kansas University researchers on several million specimens of mollusks. Their findings concluded, among other things, that those snails and slugs that tried to hustle about their business were the first to go extinct. Those, on the other hand, that took their time and dawdled along, or didn’t bother to move at all, were more likely to live long and prosper. Stick in the mud bivalves had a much better survival rate than those antediluvian slugs that had to zip about like greased lightning. After all, you don’t see any fast moving snails around today — do you?

And so as you sit back to read this fascinating article, we hope you’ll make yourself comfortable. Pop open a Mountain Dew; have the chips and dip handy. Fluff up a pillow for the nap that will inevitably follow finishing this fine piece of quality content. Take it easy. Don’t worry; be lazy. Biblical scholars now say it is highly likely that Methuselah lived as long as he did simply because he was content to sit around and supervise while his grandson Noah did all the hard work. And you’re not going to argue with the Bible or gastropods, are you?

 

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